Vent

I'm scared 

of having your heart stop beating 

I'm scared of

 the people you're meeting 

I'm scared

of the alcohol drowning you 

I'm scared

of the things you might do 

I'm scared 

of broken glass pins penetrating your skin 

I'm scared 

of your beautiful body collapsing in the bin 

I'm scared 

of the bruises on my cheeks 

of the cement collecting besides my door

I'm scared 

of torn post-it notes

I'm scared 

of echos of these walls 

and the whispers of the neighbors outside 

I'm scared 

of the whiskey spilling on my mind 

I'm scared 

I'm the reason of your ruin

We used to be 

young and wise 

now we're old and we are withering apart 

I don't want to be the reason. 

I don't want to smoke out my insecurities, 

or know how I'm smoking

I don't want anyone to fix me. 

I cannot expect you to heal me 

Our lives are not movies

It's not fair

these games

they aren't, they don't seem real

I want to change 

There are no boundaries 

to pain anymore

I love as unconditionally as I cause hate 

Is it love or is it an epidemic 

when you don't know 

what time of the night your brain 

and your heart will start a war with the air around you?

 Please don't tell me to "be a woman, go bake a cake" 

amidst an argument,  after I have lost it

I wish you hadn't educated me

I wish I didn't understand 

I  wish you weren't everything I preached against. 

I cry and I blame 

so does she 

he's an alcoholic 

But then so am I. 

I love to drink and dance and make merry. 

and dance without drinking
and still be merry...

These numbers are always at war

Learn to shut up. 

These life lessons you're teaching me, I don't know. 

It hurts to shut up.

I should.

Locking your door isn't the solution

Screaming and shouting isn't either

But what can I do?

This is the only solution

stay in and listen to some music

shed a few tears to the oxygen you breathe
your only friend is the air you breathe, really. 

People are crazy 

they're insane. 

I'm not crazy,  even though I have my moments of absolute insanity. 

This is all bullshit. This is all ego. 

I know it'll all be my fault 

She's the best 

Till then I will just cherish her 

My sweat trickled through the centre of my back and made me realize that I'm feeling hot. I feel dizzy. It's hard to summarize this pain. There are so many things he says that make me wonder if he's absolutely crazy or if I've lost my mind? 

Even with my eyes open 

I can see the blots of black 

and my cheeks are still red

I wish I hadn't slapped myself.

I don't want to wonder 

what morning will bring 

or what I will say 

to make it all okay 

or turn it the other way. 

Music heals.

I wanted to tell you that I love you

please don't hit me 

Haha. The only ones sleeping peacefully are the dogs. 

We're animals, but animals are better off.

I'm better when I'm not here 

Some days are hell. I wonder if after i die

my transcripts will collect on the floor

will I blamed?

will they say, "you killed them."

I have learned that 

I cannot assert my place

money doesn't bring power

muscles do. 

The smile I sent you via text

or the one that I paste on your cheek 

isn't real 

but I feel it inside me 

I feel happy

I feel happy. 

I am immune.

I will be okay. 

No one who ever looks at me 

will ever think I am this crazy.